Once upon a time, in a land where couches were mere hurdles, and lawns were not so much “green spaces” as they were “crime scenes,” lived two majestic, slightly unhinged, fur-covered lunatics, Athena, the elegant, bi-eyed husky empress also known as Princess or Miss Pants, and her little (but absolutely not little) brother, Obito, the clumsiest, floppiest, tongue-heaviest Love Bug in the kingdom, known in scientific circles as Mr. Toe Beans.
Athena, nearly two years old and forged from grace, sass, and stolen throw blankets, was a queen of contradictions. Elegant, yes. Soft-hearted? Absolutely. Energetic like a Red Bull in a wind tunnel? You bet. But also stubborn enough to win a staring contest with a wall, and then argue about it. Her opal blue eye saw into your soul, her rich chocolate eye judged it silently. Her idea of a good time? Leaping clean over your freshly fluffed couch, unbothered, while you screamed internally. Her greatest joy? Digging holes so deep the neighbours now believes they’re under mole attack. (They’re not. It’s just Miss Pants, doing landscaping her way.)
And then there was Obito.
Ohhhh, Obito.
Imagine a teddy bear got struck by lightning, inflated to the size of a Shetland pony, and then discovered the concept of “enthusiasm” but not “coordination.” That’s Obito. His paws were the size of dinner plates. His face looked like a black-furred bandit who forgot what he was stealing. His tan eyebrows constantly gave him the expression of, “Wait… what just happened?”
Obito’s love language? Full-body slams, errant tail whips, and wet kisses that landed on your face like water balloons filled with affection. He was one year old, emotionally 3 months, physically 49kg of chaos. When he ran, the earth trembled. When he stopped? He didn’t. He crashed. Always. Into everything.
Now, Princess Athena was used to his nonsense. She tolerated him with the weary patience of a sister who didn’t ask for a younger sibling but accepted her fate with dignity. Kind of. Most of the time.
But then… something horrifying happened.
Obito’s DNA test results were on the way.
And he was spiraling.
“I’m not ready,” he whispered dramatically one night, while tangled in a blanket fort he built, and immediately destroyed by wagging his tail. “What if I’m… 100% DERP?”
Athena, curled up nearby like a powdered sugar donut of class and silent judgment, lifted her head. “You are definitely at least 99% derp,” she said, licking her paw. “Maybe even the prototype.”
Obito gasped. “You mean… the Original Derp? Like… the Derpatron?!”
“Don’t flatter yourself, Mr. Toe Beans,” Athena muttered, rolling her eyes so hard her blue one nearly rotated into the other dimension.
He spent the whole week waiting for the results like a 16-year-old waiting to see if he made the cheer squad. He paced (and tripped). He stress-chewed three socks and a corner of a coffee table. He attempted yoga to “center himself,” which ended with his back legs in the air and his front paws mysteriously inside a cereal box.
He even consulted the Gnome Oracle (RIP Gregory the Gnome, who had been body-slammed into pieces last month).
“I don’t know who I am!” Obito cried, flopping dramatically onto his back, legs splayed, tongue out, looking like someone dropped a very sad icecream.
Then… it arrived.
The holy envelope. The Scroll of Truth. The Ancestry of the Beans.
Athena read it aloud while Obito sat like a nervous potato.
“Obito, son of chaos,” she declared. “According to the results… you are…”
He gasped. Tail stopped wagging.
“74% Alaskan Malamute”
“Okay, okay, big boi energy, I can vibe with that…”
“14% American Akita”
“Ooh, sounds mysterious and cool—wait, does that mean I’m fancy?”
“11% Siberian Husky”
“Oh my dog, like YOU! We’re related! I knew I had majestic genes!”
“And… drumroll please…”
Obito held his breath. Athena raised an eyebrow.
“1% Chow Chow.”
Silence.
Obito blinked.
“What… what does that mean?” he asked softly.
“It means…” Athena said, standing with great dramatic flair, “You are literally a fusion of snow beast, stubborn guardian, high-speed fluff missile, and… the unexpected spice of a blue-tongued lion bear.”
Obito stared at his own paw. “So I’m… not 100% derp?”
Athena leaned close, booped him on the nose. “No, little brother.”
“You’re 74% majestic, 25% mysterious, and 1% certified goofball… but the derp?” She smiled fondly.
“That’s all you, baby.”
Obito’s tail began wagging. He beamed. He licked her entire face in one enthusiastic swoop.
“THEN I ACCEPT MY DESTINY!”
And with that, he galloped directly into a door, rebounded, tripped over a chew toy, knocked over the laundry basket, and accidentally wrapped himself in a pair of boxers.
Athena sighed, stared into the middle distance, and muttered, “I knew the Chow Chow part was the pants.”

©️Lainey Green - Intwined.blog

Obito’s DNA Results:
* 74% Alaskan Malamute
* 14% American Akita
* 11% Siberian Husky
* 1% Chow Chow
* 100% Derpy Love Bug