The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you.
Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision.
So write and draw and build and play and dance
and live as only you can.
I’ve had to remind myself of this, constantly over the last few weeks. It’s been one of the hardest battles, one I’m continuing to slay. The inner torment, in truth, has been excruciatingly painful as I’ve tormented myself over if I should continue to write or silence the voice I’ve found through writing these monthly rambles in the little corner of the internet, I call Intwined.
As I sit here trying to open my soul to explain the battle I face from within, that nagging voice haunts the words, I wish to express, in fear of backlash or judgment.
Words have never come easily to me, silence has suited me better but in that silence, loneliness follows as self dealt and loathing multiply at a extraordinary rate.
How I wish that pen to paper could flow naturally, that freedom of speech was really free, that judgement didn’t play such a monstrous part in Society.
How gratifying it would be if we all could just be ourselves without discrimination. Although some may not admit it, we all wear a mask in front of others, through the fear of judgment. We all want to be seen in our best light, we all seek out approval from others and we all long to be liked and loved while we battle with the hardest judge of all, ourselves.
Others may sow the seed of doubt in our minds, it’s our own insecurities that fuel the flames of the worst judgement all, self judgment.
Maybe one day, I’ll be strong another to take judgment with a pinch of salt, be it from others or my own critical mind.
Today I have taken the first step in doing so, by believing in myself and once again bearing my soul for thousands to openly judge my words, my character, my strengths and weaknesses.
And when those judgemental minds get the better of me, instead of letting sadness and fear overwhelm, I will be reminding myself of this quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson,
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else,
is the greatest accomplishment.”
Throughout the trails and tribulations that May brought to our door, Life gave me many glimpses of peace, mainly in the form of tiny seeds, emerging from the darkness of the soil, taking root, bursting to life, and growing into something beyond beautiful.
Seeds are much like life really, with the right amount of love, care, tenderness, understanding and light, beauty is born.
Each seedling has to overcome its own challenges and fight for its own space in the universe. It has to weather the storm, as we all do throughout our earthly journey. And when it’s short life is over, it gives back to the Earth as we will all do, when our time comes for our soul to be set free.
I personally think that is rather special and the reason why even when the elements are against me, I try to be the best version of myself, to love wholeheartedly, to moan soulfully and to encourage my talents and flaws to blossom, into something greater. And when it’s my time to give back to the Earth, I hope I will leave a mark on the hearts and soul’s of the ones that knew me. That I will be remembered for my words and my unbreakable love for my family.
My hubby and I have been working hard on our garden, when the weather allowed and it’s starting to come together. We still have lots to do, but hopefully by summer we can enjoy the fruits of our labour.
Seedlings are growing and soon will bring life to the borders and soften the hard lines of boundaries.
Although I have much to learn especially about flower placement and arrangement, I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve never felt happier to get my hands dirty. There is something extraordinary satisfying about having your hands deep in the Earth, something I never thought to be possible, as I loathe getting my hands dirty especially if food is involved.😖
Although I’ve had very little time or the right mindset to crochet, my Uncle Kevan’s, Phoenix blanket is slowly but surely growing.
I’ve just started part 4, so a long way to go, but boy, it’s starting to look pretty. I so hope he loves it.
At the end of Part 3, it measured 22 1/2 inches.
I’ve used 656.0 yards (599.8 meters or 8 Skeins) of yarn at £3.19 for each 50g Skein. Total yarn cost to this point is £25.52.
As the Phoenix blanket grows, yarn is definitely being used at a fastest rate but every single penny is worth it because my Uncle is pretty damn special.
My passion still burns incredibly strong for researching our ancestors lives, they mesmerise me.
I’ve tried hard not to let it take over my waking hours, as I know if I could get away with it, I would research from dawn to dusk.
I’ve been shocked at how the passion I feel for my own family, has been just as strong for my husbands (paternal) side of our children’s family history. Their lives have deeply touch my soul especially Caroline Chown life, which you can read about here.
Research however is very time consuming and very expensive if you confirm information by buying documentation such as Birth, marriage and death certificates. I’m a strong believer in this. I have come across many family trees that sadly are wrong because they haven’t sourced the right documentation to confirm information such as parents etc. It’s such a shame as I know the incredibly hard work that has gone into each and every one family tree.
We all make mistakes along the way, I’ve ordered my fair share of wrong certificates, it so easily done and I’m guessing the reason why many do not buy them, which I totally understand. But when that brown envelope gets posted through your door and you finally have the confirmation that your research is correct or you find out the reason, someone died, there is on other feeling like it. It’s a strange but powerful feeling which pulls on every emotion and your heartstrings.
When all the facts are laid out in front of you, their lives burst to life, it’s like you have always known them, you can feel them flowing through your veins, their faces emerge in your mind, as pride and honour oozes from your soul. These names written on dusty documentation are no longer just names, or a forgotten souls, they are every inch of you. That is a pretty incredible feeling.
When I write about their lives, I so wish I could give more, I wish I knew each and every personality, their accents, their laughs, their smiles even their scent. I wish I knew them as deeply as I know my nearest and dearest and I sincerely hope that my words give more than just the facts, that if they could read what I’ve written, their cheeks would glow with pridefulness. Although they maybe long gone from this Earth, where ever their souls may be, I wholeheartedly hope that they see me as their family.
Before I say my normal too-da-loo, I must thank my wonderful family, for always supporting me, for having faith in me and for encouraging me to continue my monthly rambles, for always trying to lift me up, when the weight of my worries, pushes me down into the darkness of depression.
Thank you for loving me when I can not bring myself to love myself. I love you all from the bottom of my heart. ❤️
Stay safe, stay true, be you!!!
Too-da-loo for now.